By: Jennette McCurdy
Genre: Memior / Autobiography / Non-Fiction
If you grew up watching Nickelodeon in the mid-2000s or had a sibling or child that did, you will most likely recognize Jennette McCurdy as Samantha Puckett from iCarly and Sam & Cat. A moderately successful child actress, Jennette and her character, Sam, have been beloved by young millenials and elder gen Z for the past fifteen years. What no one knew was behind the scenes and her plucky façade Jennette was struggling with many issues and often suffering in silence. Her memoir describes her experiences with childhood fame as well as abuse and exploitation at the hands of show runners and her own mother - how damaging it can be and how she began to take her life back.
The tongue-in-cheek title of this memoir may be off-putting to some, but eight pages into the book and I was glad her Mom died too. Some may wrongfully assume this is the memoir of a spoiled child star ungrateful for the opportunities and success she’s had, many due to her mother’s diligent work in getting her to them. This is not that. This is the story of a young woman forced into a career she didn’t want by a narcissistic (Jennette’s words, I’m not armchair diagnosing) mother wanting to live out her dreams of stardom through her daughter. This is the story of someone who experienced emotional, physical, and, arguably, sexual abuse at the hands of the one person she should have been able to trust most in the world; a girl that would do whatever she could to please the mother she idolized, often to her own detriment.
From a very young age Jennette was told she wasn’t good enough. She was ridiculed for the way she acted while her mother struggled with her first bout of Stage 4 breast cancer. Jennette was two years old at that time, and would be reminded weekly of how awful she was at that time for many years into her childhood. Her appearance was always a point of criticism:
“Each ‘good’ thing Mom says about my ‘natural beauty’ is followed up by its downside which serves as the justification for its need to be enhanced by a little good old-fashioned store-bought beauty. And since it seems like every single ‘naturally beautiful’ thing about me comes with a downside that needs to be enhanced by store-bought beauty, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m really naturally beautiful at all, or if Mom’s use of the term ‘naturally beautiful’ goes in the same place where others would just use the term ‘ugly.’” (p. 59)
It wasn’t just her beauty that her mother fixated on, but her weight too. At age eleven her mother introduced her to calorie restriction and starving themselves became a joint activity, Jennette quickly becoming anorexic. This would be the beginning of her battle with disordered eating, going from years of anorexia to a year or so of binge eating and settling on bulimia before finally seeking treatment in her mid-to-late twenties.
I do want to highlight that there is A LOT of description of these eating disorders, detailing many tricks she used to restrict calories while deep into anorexia and the bingeing and purging of bulimia. If you struggle with an eating disorder many passages of this book may be triggering for you. Jennette describes the gory details of these disorders, the physical impact they left on her body (a particular body-horror scene while she’s on a plane to Australia for instance) as well as her mind. Thankfully her tricks and tools for recovery are also discussed in the later chapters which some may find beneficial.
Jennette was raised as a sheltered Mormon, homeschooled by her mother, leaving her little contact with those outside her family and her church. Her mother was her everything and she would do anything to please her. As aforementioned, she got into acting because her mother wanted her to and continued to act to please her mother, even if it was taking a toll on her own wellbeing. This is what begins to create conflict in her mind with how she sees and feels about her relationship with her mother.
“Fame has put a wedge between Mom and me that I didn’t think was possible. She wanted this. And I wanted her to have it. I wanted her to be happy. But now that I have it, I realize that she’s happy and I’m not. Her happiness came at the cost of mine. I feel robbed and exploited.” (p. 121)
“’Smile for the paparazzi,’ Mom orders me.
“Without even spotting them, a vacant puppetlike smile crosses my face automatically. My eyes are dead, my soul is nowhere to be found, but a smile is on my face and that’s all that counts.” (p. 125)
When Jennette would tell her mother that she didn’t want to act anymore her mother would start to cry or berate her until she agreed not to quit. When Jennette showed interest in writing, even sitting down as a pre-teen and drafting a 110 page screenplay, her mother shot her down instantly without even reading the product of her daughter’s hard work. She refused to condone anything that might take Jennette’s focus away from acting, never caring what Jennette truly wanted.
“I absolutely prefer writing to acting. Through writing, I feel power for the first time in my life. I don’t have to say somebody else’s words. I can write my own. I can be myself for once. I like the privacy of it. Nobody’s watching. Nobody’s judging. Nobody’s weighing in. No casting directors or agents or managers or Mom. Just me and the page. Writing is the opposite of performing to me. Performing feels inherently fake. Writing feels inherently real.” (p. 86)
From the narrative, it appears Jennette’s iCarly costar, Miranda Cosgrove, may have been one of her first real friends – and much of that friendship was initially conducted online via AOL Instant Messenger (y’all remember that fossil?) away from the prying eyes of Jennette’s mom. The more Jennette tried to pull away and have a little space for herself, her friendships and/or relationships, the more abusive and suffocating her mother became, calling her names, throwing things at her, threatening to disown her, even posting nasty things about her on her fan page. The amount of awful things this woman did is heartbreaking and rage inducing.
Keeping Jennette so sheltered also left her at a disadvantage in the dating world. She was never even taught about her own period, never mind given any sort of “sex talk.” When Jennette was away from her mother, the creepy dudes would come to prey. Between inappropriate age gaps, coerced oral, and a first time where consent is so dubious it borders on sexual assault, the majority of her experiences with men are awful. The only decent guy she dates is Steven, who does manage to show her how a real relationship should work.
The memoir does not get heavy into detail about the abuses inflicted upon the young actors on Nickelodeon shows, despite some media fanfare on the topic. The verbal abuse, manipulation, pitting of young actors against each other, and the provision of alcohol to minors conducted by The Creator is mentioned. When the stories of mistreatment leaked, Sam & Cat was cancelled and Jennette was offered $300,000 in hush money which she refused.
While the exploitation and abuse from the studio and those in charge of the shows she was on are definitely factors in her story, this memoir is more about the conflicted relationship between a narcissistic mother and a daughter that will sacrifice herself to make her mother happy. Half of the book is prior to her mother’s passing, the other half dedicated to the process of living life without her.
Following her mother’s death, Jennette’s eating disorder worsens and she turns to alcohol to numb her pain and mixed feelings. No longer having her mother in her life is both freeing and anxiety-inducing. She has to get to know herself for the first time and that can be a challenge when you’ve spent your entire life living for someone else.
“I tried desperately to understand and know my mother – what made her sad, what made her happy, and on and on and on – at the expense of ever really knowing myself. Without Mom around, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know who I am.” (p. 223)
Jennette doesn’t shy away from discussing her low points nor her struggles with recovery and finding herself. It’s easy to empathize as she describes her thoughts and feelings. There is no magical cure-all – recovery is a lot of work that is never ending, regardless if it’s from trauma, eating disorders, mental health conditions, addiction, or all of the above. It’s something that will get easier with time and effort, but will never truly be done. She also makes it clear that it will never happen until you make that choice for yourself, because no one else can do that work for you.
“So much of my life has felt so out of my control for so long. And I’m done with that being my reality.
“I want my life to be in my hands. Not an eating disorder’s or a casting director’s or an agent’s or my mom’s. Mine.” (p. 293)
While the subject matter is heavy, the writing itself is very easy to read. Jennette’s voice seems to grow as she does throughout the chronology – from a naïve child eager to please to a grown woman taking her life back. Her writing comes off as the age she was when whatever event she’s describing was happening – like we’re getting her literal thoughts from that moment in time. She does interweave some humor with the harsh reality that is the life she reveals to us. However, this humor is more sarcastic barbs and dry witticisms rather than the laugh-out-loud hilarity the book has been marketed to have.
Both heartbreaking and enlightening, this memoir provides insight into the life of a reluctant child star. A survivor of narcissistic abuse that still battles with conflicting emotions surrounding her feelings on her mother, Jennette details how she will always love her mother and does miss her, but recognizes how toxic that relationship truly was. This is truly an amazing work that had me just wanting to hug her due to everything she’s been through. Highly recommended if you can handle the heavy subject matter.
8.5/10
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| Me to Jennette Throughout This Book |
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