Someone at the Door (1994)

By: Richie Tankersley Cusick

Genre: Young Adult Horror/Thriller

Hannah Stuart is having a rough day. She finally got up the nerve to break up with her abusive boyfriend of six months and she just wants to get home and be done with the day. Unfortunately there is a blizzard rolling in and Hannah’s parents are out of town, leaving her in charge of her younger sister Meg. As the storm hits and the night wears on, Hannah’s stress levels are on the rise. Between threatening phone calls from her ex, anxiety about keeping warm should they lose power, and a news report about an escaped killer on the loose, Hannah fears it’s going to be difficult to get through. On top of this, at 2:00 AM, two injured young men appear at their door, begging for help. The girls reluctantly let them in, but as the storm stretches over the next few days, strange things begin to happen – food disappearing along with the axe from the woodpile, creepy pranks of a violent nature, and who the hell built that giant snowman in the front yard? Is it Hannah’s enraged ex boyfriend looking to terrorize her? Is it the escaped killer? Or is one or both of the injured young men the girls have allowed in their home not what they seem?

I originally read this novel approximately nineteen years ago and oddly felt the urge to reread it recently. 

It’s me, hi, I’m the old fart, it’s me

It must be the winter setting that set this off, but encouragement from fellow Goodreads user and author, Nenia Campbell, pushed me to pick it up again. It’s fitting that I wound up finishing this reread of a novel about two girls isolated in a blizzard while in the middle of one myself. I remembered enjoying this story as a fourteen-year-old and hoped it held up, despite forgetting most details. For the most part, it did.

One thing I didn’t remember was what a cranky jerk Hannah is. On the one hand, I understand, I get snippy and easily irritated when I’m anxious too, and she is under a lot of stress. I get it, and I get that she’s only seventeen so her emotions aren’t going to be regulated as well as a fully developed adult’s. However, she’s quick to verbally hit Meg where it hurts and physically attempt to hit Jonathon and Lance when they say things that upset her. (Ninety-five percent of the time this leads to the guy pinning her down … maybe she just has a kink for being manhandled by attractive men. Understandable, but girl, use your words!) 

Then there’s the fact that, for about eighty percent of the novel she refuses to believe her ex could be behind any of the strange goings-on. (Babe, he literally threatened to kill you and could have been the only one to leave that disgusting ‘gift’ in your car.) When she finds his abandoned car and gets upset that he might be injured and/or lost in the snow, I was like, “Oh, honey…” When she gets pissed that the others care more about finding the dog than making sure her piece of shit ex isn’t in danger, I wanted to smack her upside the head myself. If I had to choose between helping the family dog that loves everyone and the ex that threatened to murder me, that bastard can freeze to death, I’m choosing the innocent dog. If my ex is out there we'll find his body in the spring. 

The abusive ex as I cuddle up with the dog inside. 

Meg is all bleeding heart and naiveté. I do get why Hannah gets annoyed with her, the girl is a bit dramatic and trusts too easily. (Someone seriously needs to educate this girl on the fact that a man being attractive doesn’t prevent him from being a murderer before she becomes a victim of the next Ted Bundy.) She’s quick to be moved to tears or fright. However, she is also driven to help people, whether it’s letting Hannah sleep and making her dinner after a rough day, counseling her on how her ex was a worthless piece of shit anyway, breaking the house rules and letting the family dog in the house (I seriously despise people who make their dogs live outside), or aiding in taking care of the injured men they’ve taken in. She’s immature in some aspects, but she’s a good kid.

This brings us to the injured parties in question, Jonathon and Lance. They are a little off-putting right from the start, ready to break the door down if the girls didn’t provide them shelter. Their relationship with the girls varies throughout the story, with Meg innocently trusting them for the most part and Hannah being cautiously suspicious.

Jonathon is the more personable of the two – kind, good-humored despite his severe leg injury, gentle yet stubborn, almost to the point of self-sacrificing martyrdom. His fair hair and big blue eyes seem to lure Hannah in, and the two do seem to have great chemistry, even kissing a few times. They could possibly have a healthy relationship, if he doesn’t turn out to be a murderer, and she gets her anger under control and stops trying to hit people. (Although maybe that’s foreplay for them … their first kiss does happen after she takes a swing at him and he’s pinning her arms between their bodies.)

He does appear to be the more trustworthy of the duo, but doesn’t come off as entirely innocent either. He’s very shifty when it comes to personal details and does say creepy things on occasion, often reminding Hannah of just how isolated she and Meg are.

“ ' – your parents.’ Jonathon’s voice sounded softly in her ear, and Hannah whirled with a gasp.
“’What did you say?’
“She hadn’t heard him leave the corner, hadn’t even heard him cross the hall. Now his blue eyes gazed into hers, and as he leaned forward, one sleeve lightly touched her arm.
“ 'Your parents,’ he spoke again. ‘Don’t you think you should wake them up?’
“It comes to her then, in a slow, chilling realization, that he knew her parents weren’t here – that he knew she and Meg were completely alone – that somehow, somehow he knew – " (p. 34)

“ 'As soon as the snow lets up. The road crews will be out here early, you know … to make sure we’re all right.’ …
“ 'As isolated as you are?’ he murmured. ‘I don’t think so.’” (p. 37)

“You girls are stranded out here … It just wouldn’t be right to leave you two alone.” (p. 65)

“ '[My boyfriend] is coming over today,’ Hannah repeated emphatically. ‘And bringing some of his friends. They’re all football players, and my boyfriend’s extremely jealous.’ …
“ 'Like the road crews? Look, Hannah, your boyfriend won’t be coming today. You know it, and I know it. So why keep playing games?’" (p. 80)

This scene was playing in my head while reading the last exchange.

Lance is much more suspicious from the start. When the guys first arrive at the house, Hannah doesn’t have much interaction with him due to his head injury. It’s later that evening when he wakes up that they have their first encounter, where he puts her in a stranglehold from behind. Solid start to whatever relationship will occur between you two, bro. Everything about him is darker than Jonathon, from his shoulder-length hair, to his broody and intimidating demeanor, to the willingness to get physical and the weird things he says.

He takes a particular interest in the story of the escaped killer as Meg relays what she saw on the news and he’s the one that decides he and Jonathon need to stay and protect them. The fact that he does seem to take this role seriously works in his favor, especially when it comes to Meg. With Hannah, he gets sick of her shit pretty quickly, and honestly, between her attitude, the amount of times she runs off into the storm, and the amount of times she tries to hit him, I don’t entirely blame him. I don’t entirely blame her either though, because I feel like he enjoys being a bit of a jerk to her.

“She ran for the hall, jumping back with a scream as she collided with Lance in the doorway.
“ 'Looking for your sister?’ he asked, and Hannah froze, her heart leaping into her throat.
“ 'Where is she?’ Hannah demanded. ‘Where’s Meg?’ She tried to step around him, but he moved sideways at the same time. To her fury, she found herself trapped between Lance and the wall.
“Hannah looked up at him, fighting back panic …
“ 'If you don’t let me go,’ Hannah threatened, ‘I’ll –'
“ 'No one’s holding you,’ Lance said. He lifted his arms at his sides, and Hannah suddenly realized that he’d backed away. Flushing angrily, she shoved past him and ran up to her room.” (p. 74-75)

“… she tried again, hating herself for being flustered, hating him even more for knowing it. ‘Get off of me,’ she said sharply.
“Lance seemed to consider this a moment, looking down at her with a relentless stare. Hannah felt her breath quickening – her heart racing. Once more she tried to move, once more she stopped, all too aware of his body on hers. Then she saw one corner of his mouth curl in a sardonic smile.
“'You know …” Lance murmured, 'if I wasn’t so sure what an in-control person you are … I’d swear you were blushing.’
“ 'Let me go!’ Hannah screamed, and tried to swing at him.
“Without warning, he pinned her hands to the ground. He was so incredibly strong that Hannah felt a surge of panic go through her …” (p. 130-131)

One thing both men have in common is the offense they take to the girls, particularly Hannah, suspecting one of them might be the escaped killer. Um, guys, they are two teenage girls, stranded in the middle of nowhere during a seemingly endless blizzard, who have heard news reports about an escaped murderer headed their way and they have no idea who either of you are.

“’Look, I understand why you’re so nervous about us being here, but what do I have to do to convince you we’re not going to tie you up, rob your house, and have our way with you?’
“Hannah flushed deeply. ‘That’s not funny.’
“’No,’” Jonathon said solemnly. ‘It’s not funny. So I wish you’d stop making me feel like a criminal.’” (p. 80)

Jonathon, how very Billy Loomis of you. 

"What do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not a killer?"

Also, I don’t think you can speak for Lance. The man has threatened to tie you up because you insist on putting weight on your injured leg. With the amount of times Hannah has wandered off into the blizzard or gotten violent with one of you, I’m sure the thought of tying her up crossed his mind at least once.

While Jonathon acts like a kicked puppy about these suspicions, Lance just gets angry and snide. 

I guess his approach is the Mother Gothel method.

“Gasping, she felt Lance crush her down into the snow, and his eyes flashed above her with a strange, dark light.
“ 'Oh, I forgot,’ he said quietly. ‘You don’t like being this close to escaped killers, do you?’
“Hannah gasped in terror. She could see the tense lines of his cheeks, the endless dark of his eyes. As she gazed up helplessly, she could feel her lips moving, trying to get out the words.
“ 'I don’t know what you mean,’ she whispered. ‘I – I don’t know what you’re talking about –'
“ 'Oh … I think you do.’
“ 'It’s – it’s just that I was on the roof – and I was so – so scared –'
“ 'You don’t know what scared is.’
“Without warning, he rolled off.
“ 'Oh. And by the way … I tried to start your car but nothing worked. Guess you really are stranded now.’” (p. 131)

“ 'You were watching me!’
“ 'Watching you?’ Lance said slowly, as if considering the possibility. ‘If that was on my mind, a locked door wouldn’t do you much good.’ (p. 172)

That’s really comforting, Lance. You say and do things like those quoted above and then have the audacity to get angry when Hannah finds you a little suspicious. And Jonathon, Mr. ‘I understand why you’re nervous,’ 

no, I really don’t think you do. Hannah described it pretty well.

“But no matter who those guys are, we still have to be careful. Whoever they are, Meg and I are still alone with them – and if we act too suspicious and scared, that could be dangerous … and if we act too nice and trusting, that could be dangerous, too.” (p. 70)

This is one thing women and femme presenting individuals talk about a lot – curtailing their behavior to best protect themselves. This is often what has saved potential victims of serial killers – learning to adapt to appease this person so you can escape. The same is often done by victims of domestic violence, sexual assault and harassment. You do what you have to do to avoid being harmed as much as possible. Not knowing anything about these men, and considering Lance got violent with her almost immediately, it’s more than understandable that Hannah would be thinking like this.

Despite having read this book before, I couldn’t remember most of it. However, that’s not very telling, as aforementioned, the first time I read this was about nineteen years ago. I didn’t remember all the weird things that our four central characters encountered or who the person behind all of these scary occurrences turned out to be. I had the pleasure of being in suspense all over again, and in that aspect, the story delivers. I didn’t remember what happened next and couldn’t wait to find out – binge reading over 100 pages in one night. Despite being more annoyed by Hannah and still unsure about both Jonathon and Lance, I did care enough about the central characters to want them to survive and hoped that neither of the boys was the one terrorizing the sisters.

Did it hold up? I think I’ll shave down my original rating slightly. It is a fun, quick and enjoyable read that wasn’t too predictable, even the second time around. It’s decent entertainment for a snowy afternoon, being both short enough and suspenseful enough to be read in one sitting. I’m glad I revisited it, and will probably do so again.

6.5/10

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I’m Glad My Mom Died (2022)

 By: Jennette McCurdy

Genre: Memior / Autobiography / Non-Fiction

If you grew up watching Nickelodeon in the mid-2000s or had a sibling or child that did, you will most likely recognize Jennette McCurdy as Samantha Puckett from iCarly and Sam & Cat. A moderately successful child actress, Jennette and her character, Sam, have been beloved by young millenials and elder gen Z for the past fifteen years. What no one knew was behind the scenes and her plucky façade Jennette was struggling with many issues and often suffering in silence. Her memoir describes her experiences with childhood fame as well as abuse and exploitation at the hands of show runners and her own mother - how damaging it can be and how she began to take her life back.

The tongue-in-cheek title of this memoir may be off-putting to some, but eight pages into the book and I was glad her Mom died too. Some may wrongfully assume this is the memoir of a spoiled child star ungrateful for the opportunities and success she’s had, many due to her mother’s diligent work in getting her to them. This is not that. This is the story of a young woman forced into a career she didn’t want by a narcissistic (Jennette’s words, I’m not armchair diagnosing) mother wanting to live out her dreams of stardom through her daughter. This is the story of someone who experienced emotional, physical, and, arguably, sexual abuse at the hands of the one person she should have been able to trust most in the world; a girl that would do whatever she could to please the mother she idolized, often to her own detriment.

From a very young age Jennette was told she wasn’t good enough. She was ridiculed for the way she acted while her mother struggled with her first bout of Stage 4 breast cancer. Jennette was two years old at that time, and would be reminded weekly of how awful she was at that time for many years into her childhood. Her appearance was always a point of criticism:

“Each ‘good’ thing Mom says about my ‘natural beauty’ is followed up by its downside which serves as the justification for its need to be enhanced by a little good old-fashioned store-bought beauty. And since it seems like every single ‘naturally beautiful’ thing about me comes with a downside that needs to be enhanced by store-bought beauty, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m really naturally beautiful at all, or if Mom’s use of the term ‘naturally beautiful’ goes in the same place where others would just use the term ‘ugly.’” (p. 59)

It wasn’t just her beauty that her mother fixated on, but her weight too. At age eleven her mother introduced her to calorie restriction and starving themselves became a joint activity, Jennette quickly becoming anorexic. This would be the beginning of her battle with disordered eating, going from years of anorexia to a year or so of binge eating and settling on bulimia before finally seeking treatment in her mid-to-late twenties.

I do want to highlight that there is A LOT of description of these eating disorders, detailing many tricks she used to restrict calories while deep into anorexia and the bingeing and purging of bulimia. If you struggle with an eating disorder many passages of this book may be triggering for you. Jennette describes the gory details of these disorders, the physical impact they left on her body (a particular body-horror scene while she’s on a plane to Australia for instance) as well as her mind. Thankfully her tricks and tools for recovery are also discussed in the later chapters which some may find beneficial.

Jennette was raised as a sheltered Mormon, homeschooled by her mother, leaving her little contact with those outside her family and her church. Her mother was her everything and she would do anything to please her. As aforementioned, she got into acting because her mother wanted her to and continued to act to please her mother, even if it was taking a toll on her own wellbeing. This is what begins to create conflict in her mind with how she sees and feels about her relationship with her mother.

“Fame has put a wedge between Mom and me that I didn’t think was possible. She wanted this. And I wanted her to have it. I wanted her to be happy. But now that I have it, I realize that she’s happy and I’m not. Her happiness came at the cost of mine. I feel robbed and exploited.” (p. 121)

“’Smile for the paparazzi,’ Mom orders me.
“Without even spotting them, a vacant puppetlike smile crosses my face automatically. My eyes are dead, my soul is nowhere to be found, but a smile is on my face and that’s all that counts.” (p. 125)

When Jennette would tell her mother that she didn’t want to act anymore her mother would start to cry or berate her until she agreed not to quit. When Jennette showed interest in writing, even sitting down as a pre-teen and drafting a 110 page screenplay, her mother shot her down instantly without even reading the product of her daughter’s hard work. She refused to condone anything that might take Jennette’s focus away from acting, never caring what Jennette truly wanted.

“I absolutely prefer writing to acting. Through writing, I feel power for the first time in my life. I don’t have to say somebody else’s words. I can write my own. I can be myself for once. I like the privacy of it. Nobody’s watching. Nobody’s judging. Nobody’s weighing in. No casting directors or agents or managers or Mom. Just me and the page. Writing is the opposite of performing to me. Performing feels inherently fake. Writing feels inherently real.” (p. 86)

From the narrative, it appears Jennette’s iCarly costar, Miranda Cosgrove, may have been one of her first real friends – and much of that friendship was initially conducted online via AOL Instant Messenger (y’all remember that fossil?) away from the prying eyes of Jennette’s mom. The more Jennette tried to pull away and have a little space for herself, her friendships and/or relationships, the more abusive and suffocating her mother became, calling her names, throwing things at her, threatening to disown her, even posting nasty things about her on her fan page. The amount of awful things this woman did is heartbreaking and rage inducing.

Keeping Jennette so sheltered also left her at a disadvantage in the dating world. She was never even taught about her own period, never mind given any sort of “sex talk.” When Jennette was away from her mother, the creepy dudes would come to prey. Between inappropriate age gaps, coerced oral, and a first time where consent is so dubious it borders on sexual assault, the majority of her experiences with men are awful. The only decent guy she dates is Steven, who does manage to show her how a real relationship should work.

The memoir does not get heavy into detail about the abuses inflicted upon the young actors on Nickelodeon shows, despite some media fanfare on the topic. The verbal abuse, manipulation, pitting of young actors against each other, and the provision of alcohol to minors conducted by The Creator is mentioned. When the stories of mistreatment leaked, Sam & Cat was cancelled and Jennette was offered $300,000 in hush money which she refused.

While the exploitation and abuse from the studio and those in charge of the shows she was on are definitely factors in her story, this memoir is more about the conflicted relationship between a narcissistic mother and a daughter that will sacrifice herself to make her mother happy. Half of the book is prior to her mother’s passing, the other half dedicated to the process of living life without her.

Following her mother’s death, Jennette’s eating disorder worsens and she turns to alcohol to numb her pain and mixed feelings. No longer having her mother in her life is both freeing and anxiety-inducing. She has to get to know herself for the first time and that can be a challenge when you’ve spent your entire life living for someone else.

“I tried desperately to understand and know my mother – what made her sad, what made her happy, and on and on and on – at the expense of ever really knowing myself. Without Mom around, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know who I am.” (p. 223)

Jennette doesn’t shy away from discussing her low points nor her struggles with recovery and finding herself. It’s easy to empathize as she describes her thoughts and feelings. There is no magical cure-all – recovery is a lot of work that is never ending, regardless if it’s from trauma, eating disorders, mental health conditions, addiction, or all of the above. It’s something that will get easier with time and effort, but will never truly be done. She also makes it clear that it will never happen until you make that choice for yourself, because no one else can do that work for you.

“So much of my life has felt so out of my control for so long. And I’m done with that being my reality.
“I want my life to be in my hands. Not an eating disorder’s or a casting director’s or an agent’s or my mom’s. Mine.” (p. 293)

While the subject matter is heavy, the writing itself is very easy to read. Jennette’s voice seems to grow as she does throughout the chronology – from a naïve child eager to please to a grown woman taking her life back. Her writing comes off as the age she was when whatever event she’s describing was happening – like we’re getting her literal thoughts from that moment in time. She does interweave some humor with the harsh reality that is the life she reveals to us. However, this humor is more sarcastic barbs and dry witticisms rather than the laugh-out-loud hilarity the book has been marketed to have.

Both heartbreaking and enlightening, this memoir provides insight into the life of a reluctant child star. A survivor of narcissistic abuse that still battles with conflicting emotions surrounding her feelings on her mother, Jennette details how she will always love her mother and does miss her, but recognizes how toxic that relationship truly was. This is truly an amazing work that had me just wanting to hug her due to everything she’s been through. Highly recommended if you can handle the heavy subject matter.

8.5/10

Me to Jennette Throughout This Book

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Girl, Unframed (2020)

 

By: Deb Caletti

Genre: Young Adult, Drama, Suspense

As fifteen-year-old Sydney Riley prepares to spend the summer with her starlet mother, Lila, in San Francisco, she has an uneasy feeling about what the months ahead will hold. Chalking it up to nerves due to the strained mother/daughter relationship as well as the anticipation of meeting Lila’s new boyfriend, Sydney makes the trip anyway. What lies before her in the coming months will be life-changing, making Sydney realize just how important listening to one’s instincts can be.

This novel was a bit rough for me and I had to take several breaks while reading it due to how triggering it was in some areas. It is basically the novelized version of this meme:

I was thirteen; sixteen the first time it got really scary. See the Everyday Sexism Project for real life examples.

From the outset Sydney is objectified by several men including Jake (Lila’s boyfriend), a young actor in his twenties named Jay, and Shane, a man of about thirty working construction on the house next door. There are also several instances where she has uncomfortable interactions with strange men in public, such as a flasher, a douche bag at a gas station and a creep in the park. The book, while documenting the events of Sydney’s summer overall, is a commentary on the sexual objectification of young girls and women. It is not comfortable, but it is very necessary and done considerably well.

Sydney navigates through these experiences as she goes about her summer, the events she encounters causing a dramatic coming-of-age by the final chapter. She juggles the toxic relationship with her mother, turning sixteen, first love, coming to terms with society’s bullshit standards of purity versus sexuality, and witnessing a violent death all in the span of a couple months. The fact that she is handling life as well as she is in the last couple chapters is incredible, to be honest. This is an eye-opening trip for her that leaves her much wiser at the expense of her girlhood and innocence.

“Give me back my girlhood

It was mine first”

- “Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve” by Taylor Swift

I really liked the characterization in this novel even if some of the characters are complete garbage. I loved Sydney and found her very relatable. I remember being the age she is during this narrative and learning the same hard lessons she does – older men can be really gross, the magazines geared toward young women do more to tear us down than build us up, and other media we consume has not-so-great messages regarding those assigned female at birth. The reader follows her as she matures, not just in age, but in wisdom as she learns these lessons and finds the strength to deal with the events that unfold over the course of the summer. Sydney is a smart girl and handles things surprisingly well considering everything that happens throughout the story.

One lesson I’m thankful she doesn’t have to learn is how awful first love can turn out to be. She meets Nicco, a cute, intelligent and sweet seventeen-year-old boy, and they hit it off fairly quickly. Nicco is probably the healthiest young adult love interest I’ve read about in recent memory – hell, maybe the healthiest love interest in general that I’ve read recently. He is responsible and treats Sydney with respect, never pushing her for more than she is ready for and even cautioning her that they should take it slow because ‘sex changes everything.’ He truly adores her and they have a cute game they use to communicate unique to only them. At seventeen he is the only male figure in her life that treats her well, which is sad, but also maybe a commentary on how the younger generations of teenage boys and men are trying to be better than those before them. I love them as a couple and was rooting for them to last throughout the novel.

Sydney’s mother, Lila Shore, is a Hollywood actress and fairly narcissistic. She puts everything before her daughter, especially her career, status and any man she is presently involved with, while simultaneously accusing Syd of being selfish and difficult. The fact that Lila has shipped Syd off to a boarding school in Seattle where her only guardian is her grandmother, Edwina (consequently, the only family member who seems to actually care about Syd’s well-being), and only sees her on the holidays shows how little she cares for her daughter. If that isn’t enough, their frequently strained interactions throughout the summer and her actions in the final weeks of Sydney’s visit prove it. Caletti does a great job of portraying the complicated nature of this kind of toxic relationship between a parent and child – depicting Syd’s conflicting feelings toward her mother, the love, the anger, the pity, the urge to protect and the yearning for a normal relationship between them. Sydney’s navigation through this relationship and ultimate decision regarding it at the end of the story is relatable, understandable and heart breaking. Sydney is the daughter of a narcissistic diva and a womanizing absentee piece of crap. She deserved better than either of her parents could/would ever give her.

The last major character to examine is Jake, Lila’s current beaux and an abusive, lecherous dumpster of a person. 

Jake poses as a real estate mogul and art collector, but it is pretty clear early on that he is into shady dealings. From the minute he meets Sydney he’s touching her and making her uncomfortable. He pressures her for a hug when she’s never met him before, grabs her knee while they’re driving in his car, and makes comments like, “you look a lot older,” while appraising her in a way that makes her feel he’s staring at her breasts. (As someone who has had a large bust since age twelve and has heard this comment and experienced this look many times, he was DEFINITELY looking at her chest.)

Jake’s behavior toward Sydney only gets progressively creepier as the story moves forward. He alternates between trying to be the “cool adult” to gain her affections (taking her out driving at high speed in his Lamborghini, pretending to respect her opinion on art, siding with her in arguments with her mother) verging on grooming behavior, to trying to control her sexuality (getting upset about her dating Nicco, getting furious over her getting a hickey, calling her a slut and roughly manhandling her after catching her being intimate with Nicco). He claims he is looking out for her but he’s obviously got ulterior motives and it’s disgusting.

“Jake and me and sex – he didn’t care about me taking a big step, or getting STDs, or using contraception. He was guarding my virtue, like my body and spirit would spoil if I were touched. Like my body was his. To leer at and to control.” (pg. 309)

This man rants about how Sydney needs to respect herself and acts like Nicco is a danger to her yet disregards her actual safety around those far more dangerous. He tells her “you can’t let that stuff get to you” regarding Sydney being flashed by some pervert on the street, to which she rightfully thinks, “He didn’t have to let that stuff get to him, because it would never happen to him.” (pg. 208) Jake also takes Sydney along on one of his shady deals and leaves her alone in a vehicle with one of his creepy associates that has been clearly leering at her. This is immediately after he went off about the hickey Nicco gave her. 

“’Jesus,’ His voice was full of disgust. ‘Is that a fucking monkey bite? Have you and that kid been fooling around?’” (No… a ‘monkey bite’ is whatever that weird knee grab was you did to her in the car when you first met. That mark on her neck is a hickey, also known as a love bite, and is a perfectly normal thing. Stop being weird about it, you sound jealous of a teenage boy.)

Heaven forbid a teenage girl makes out with her teenage boyfriend! The horror!

I hate this character, but he’s well written and exemplifies the insidious attitudes patriarchal society has toward young women. The interactions between Jake and Sydney depict how confusing, twisted and dangerous these attitudes truly are. They make men feel like they are entitled to women and make women feel either like a silenced object to be looked at and preyed upon or like they have to conform in order to protect themselves and be accepted. The effect they have on women is heavily felt by Sydney:

“… I felt pissed. The world hadn’t changed and this made me so angry. It was the same as it had been for hundreds and hundreds of years, and this filled me with fury. I was angry at the paintings of women who were only bodies, who had faces with blank eyes and no mouths. I was angry at R. W. Wright, and his sexy, punished girls, and men who leered, and boys who grabbed, and the gaze, the gaze, the gaze. I was furious at the dick flashers and violent men, the frauds, the thieves. I was pissed at how beauty was some highly prized commodity – sold and sought and viciously envied, made to feel shameful. Pissed at the guardians of your virginity who were as much creepers and controllers as creepers and controllers.

“And I was furious at the mothers who encouraged you to be sexy but not have sex, and ladies’ man fathers, who flirted with waitresses and treated you like another unseen girl, because who were you supposed to be, then? The you in the middle of all of this. The hopeful you, the wanting you, the you with dreams, the unsteady you, the you that wants to feel everything but isn’t allowed to, who doesn’t know what to make of this mess, and how could you?

“… I made a decision, because our eyes do see, our mouths do speak, and we are not objects. I am not.

“The women of my family, going back generations – we’d been told lies about ourselves that we believed, and we’d even gone on to tell each other those same lies. I could maybe put an end to that particular plotline.” (pg. 353)

“This would be an ending where I listened to myself and used my voice, no matter what the world said back.” (pg. 349)

I found this book powerful and enthralling, if a bit triggering at times. The heroine is relatable and sympathetic. She becomes stronger despite all she has to deal with and learns how to stand up for herself despite her fears. Her romantic relationship is healthy and adorable. The plot even takes a few turns I wasn’t quite expecting. The social commentary regarding lecherous attitudes towards girls and young women is heavily woven throughout and will make many uncomfortable, but it is a discussion we need to be having.

8/10

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The Lost (2001)

                           By: Jack Ketchum

Genre: Horror / Thriller / Suspense

During the summer of 1965, two young women were brutally murdered while camping in the woods. The police know who did it but cannot prove it. They believe the killer is Ray Pye, the assistant manager at the Starlight Motel, and regular deviant youth of their small New Jersey town. It is also believed that Ray’s friends know more than they’re saying. Four years later, the police are still watching Ray as he slowly comes undone, but no one could have foreseen his final act or predicted the tragic loss left in his wake.

The novel starts off right before the initial murders, with Ray and his friends Tim and Jennifer hanging out at a campground. When Ray sees two naked girls camping together, he decides he wants to kill them. What follows is a scene of carnage as the girls are brutally shot numerous times with Ray laughing through it all and Tim and Jennifer unable to stop him. They reluctantly help him clean up the crime scene rather than running when they have the chance and wind up wrapped up in the crime as accessories, fearing going to the police due to their own involvement. Come 1969, they are both experiencing varying degrees of guilt, but are somehow still loyal to Ray, despite the way he treats them.

The three central characters are fairly awful people and make their parts of the first 60% of the book hard to get through. The story is told from the alternating perspectives of Ray, Tim, Jennifer, Detective Charlie Schilling, retired Detective Ed Anderson, Sally, Katherine, and a stray cat (yes you read that correctly).

The most disturbing chapters are those from Ray’s perspective – the misogyny, the racism, the homophobia, and the narcissism. He’s both incredibly conceited and ridiculously insecure – taking great pride in his pretty face but wearing cowboy boots with crushed up cans inside to make up for his height of 5’3”. (With the amount of times the boots are mentioned alongside his difficulty walking in them, I was really hoping for a scene where they cause him to fall. No such luck.) 

I kept picturing this scene and hoping for it. *sigh*

He seems to think the world, and especially women, owe him something, and he should be able to have whatever and whoever he wants. When someone refuses to give him his way, disaster will strike.

Tim is Ray’s lapdog … I mean “best friend.” He is a weak, cowardly boy who occasionally has quiet moments of rebellion against Ray’s power over him, but, for the most part, has very little character development. Tim would possibly be happy being Ray’s doormat for the rest of his life if he wasn’t in love with Jennifer. Tim’s love for her is the only reason he does the one good thing he’s ever done in his life. So in the end, he does the right thing but for somewhat selfish reasons and I don’t feel any sympathy for him.  

Jennifer is Ray’s girlfriend in the loosest sense of the word. He has her over to have sex and expects her to be faithful to only him while he hits on and/or has sex with every other attractive girl in town. She puts up with it because she both loves and fears him, but it becomes apparent her patience is wearing thin. She has a bit more development than Tim, and there are moments when I am proud of her for standing up for herself against Ray’s abuse, but overall she is still a crappy person by the end of the book.

At first I really did not like Katherine – she’s snotty and rude, judgmental, and always seems to be looking for trouble. She’s also the character with the most development, going from the spoiled rich girl with an attitude to a young woman realizing the causes of her misdirected anger. She grows from being nasty to other women to comforting and consoling them in frightening situations. Katherine is also one hell of a fighter. Not only is she feisty on her dates with Ray, giving him a run for his money, she defiantly stands up to him during his final rampage as well, both with her sass and violence. (Shoulder ramming him into the floor, beating him with the chair you’re tied to … Girl, are you Black Widow?)

Sally seems like such a sweet person with a big heart. She’s responsible, smart and kind, but also not willing to take crap from anyone, especially Ray Pye. She’s the only woman in town he can’t seduce and it irks him. She just wants to work and earn a little pocket money before leaving for college in the fall, but Ray can’t accept that. Nor does he like how much of a fighter she is. When she has the opportunity to run and possibly escape Ray’s frenzy, she chooses to risk her life and help her fellow captives instead.

For the most part, I really liked Detective Charlie Schilling. He really cares about the victims in the cases he investigates, having become attached to the girls murdered in 1965 and their families. So attached, in fact, that his marriage to his job caused his actual marriage to crumble and his wife to leave with their two children. They part on good terms and are still able to co-parent, even with her all the way across the country. Their ability to remain close and their obvious continued love for each other is touching and left me hoping for them to reunite at the resolution of the Ray Pye issue. Schilling will not rest until he proves Ray is responsible for the 1965 murders, but ends up blaming himself for pushing so hard when Ray finally snaps.

Given how much I typically loathe age-gap relationships, I really thought I would dislike Ed. However, the man really does seem to love Sally and treats her like an equal. He’s a lonely widower who spends his days cooking and gardening and she makes him feel alive again. There are no attempts to control her and he even tries to step back from their relationship to let her live her life without him weighing her down. He is very protective of Sally, especially when he realizes Ray has his sights set on her, and will stop at nothing to keep her safe.

I’m not entirely sure why there were sections from the perspective of a stray cat, but they were cute and eased the tension a bit. However, these chapters also had me anxiously grumbling, “You better not kill that sweet baby!” The cat becomes attached to Ed and he decides that it’s time for a pet.

The majority of the novel takes place between the events in 1965 and Ray’s breaking point in 1969, following him as he slowly loses control. As his little empire of sex, drugs and rock and roll begins to fall apart, the mask of charismatic normalcy he’s worn all these years begins to slip as well. When he snaps, he goes on the worst spree of assault, kidnapping and murder the small town of Sparta has ever seen. This rampage and the final build up to it made the final 40% of the novel intensely gripping. I couldn’t put it down until I finished the book. I needed to know what happened – and it was horrific.

The ending for me was a bit disappointing. I was not happy with who died and who survived, although there were some incredibly well-written heartbreaking scenes. Ray’s comeuppance is problematic and unsatisfying. I was really hoping for an ending like that of the films Death Proof (2007) or Fresh (2022), but alas, no. 

This would have been a much better ending.

I wanted happier endings for many of the characters, many of which remain just as lost as they were throughout the rest of the novel. Then again, maybe that was the point.

This is a fast-paced but disturbing read. Being in Ray’s head every few chapters is very uncomfortable and honestly feels a little violating. Just reading his thoughts made me want to cover myself, causing me to empathize with the female characters even more. Some of the other characters are just annoying and reading things from their perspectives irritated me. The midsection of the story is a bit slower than the beginning and end, and some find it hard to get through, but once things start falling apart on Ray, it picks up again and doesn’t let up until the “afterward” section at the end. The true ending is unsatisfying and problematic. An average novel that could have been better and is not on par with the other Ketchum novels I’ve read.

6.5/10