Whispers From the Dead (1989)

By: Joan Lowery Nixon

Genre: Young Adult, Mystery, Suspense, Thriller

After a near-death experience due to an accident while out swimming with friends, Sarah Darnell has contracted a serious fear of the water and a connection to the spirit world. When her father gets a promotion, Sarah’s family is uprooted from their Missouri home and moved to a beautiful house in Houston, Texas. Almost immediately Sarah has a bad feeling about the home and soon enough she begins having visions and hearing cries of “¡Ayúdame!” late at night. It soon becomes clear that someone is reaching out to Sarah from the grave and she must help this spirit before she ends up meeting a similar fate.  

As someone who has read several of Ms. Nixon’s mysteries over the years, I was relatively disappointed in this one. The story itself was interesting – it’s a twist on the “we got a great deal on this murder house” trope, in that the family purchasing the house was unaware of the horrific events that occurred within the walls. Apparently the fact that a murder took place on the premises is not something a realtor is required to disclose – or at least it wasn’t in Texas in the 1980s. That’s always fun.

Sarah soon befriends her chubby, bubbly neighbor Dee Dee and becomes acquainted with Eric, a teenage boy that lives down the street. While Dee Dee is sweet and naïve, Eric is a douche right out the gate. He calls Dee Dee “Chubby” like it’s her name and criticizes Sarah for being too tall for him. He does, however, introduce her to the love interest of the story, Tony – a guy who is handsome and charming, but also has that bad boy edge. Sarah is immediately smitten and ignores any and all red flag behavior because “he’s so cute, though!”

Both Eric and Tony are friends of Adam Holt, the boy who used to live in Sarah’s house – a boy who is believed to have murdered a pizza delivery girl in the foyer of the home but released on a technicality. A boy who was also accused of sexually assaulting a classmate – but people don’t believe that happened because she “has a reputation.” (Yay, the nasty belief that someone who is sexually promiscuous cannot be sexually assaulted. 

Promiscuous people still pick and choose who they get involved with and still have the right to say no to anyone who they don’t want to be with. Also, if she’s owned up to her easy reputation, why would she lie about being with Adam?) Knowing that his friends stuck by him through the sexual assault accusations and murder charges is enough for me to say, “throw everyone in the damn trash,” but Sarah continues to hang out with Dee Dee and Tony.

From the details of her visions and evidence she finds within her home, Sarah realizes someone other than the pizza girl was likely murdered there and she is determined to solve the mystery so the young woman’s spirit can finally rest.

Sadly, Sarah is not the brightest when it comes to detective work and even more oblivious to potential dangers around her. She trusts people far too easily, even when it’s clear the spirit she’s communicating with is trying to warn her away from someone very specific. She gives away exactly how much she knows when fishing for information from people who very easily could be the murderer. She only tells one person where she hides the evidence of a second murder victim and then her house is broken into, the only thing stolen is said evidence. When she discusses the fact that a therapist told her the only way to stop the visions is to face her fears and get back in the water, a certain someone is very insistent on helping her get over her phobia, just the two of them alone at a very secluded pond. Absolutely no ill intentions there, nope.

Source

It’s pretty obvious who the killer is early on and the “twist” (or, rather, how Sarah figures out who it is) feels shoe-horned in within the second to last chapter. After this wakeup call she does get her wits about her and is able to come up with a strategy to bring the killer to justice. This includes outsmarting them in the final act.

The strongest element of the story was not the whodunit or the protagonist, but the spirit herself. The mystery around who she was and what really happened to her was the most intriguing. I also really liked the commentary on how the upper middleclass suburbanites viewed undocumented immigrants (cheap labor, easy to exploit, disposable). They too could live like the rich elite and have servants. These immigrants were also seen as easy victims – they can’t tell anyone if they’re being abused because they could risk deportation and many have no one that would miss them if they disappeared altogether. The excerpt at the beginning of the novel includes the spirit speaking Spanish so I was clued in pretty quickly that the victim was Hispanic and likely an undocumented immigrant once I noticed the trend of Latina maids in Sarah’s neighborhood. 

Oh my God! Exploitation of desperate poor people is so fetch! (Source)

This book is a product of its time, however, and does refer to these individuals as “illegal immigrants” or simply “illegals,” and while it’s not pleasant to read, it does help the reader see how this community views the folks they employ.

There are also some suspenseful sequences. I did worry for Sarah when she was alone in her house and realized there was an intruder, leading to her being trapped in a bathroom with them trying to break down the door. Also, despite seeing it coming, the pond sequence was also quite tense (because of course she went, the fool!). I felt her panic as she was pulled toward the water – and this was just from her water phobia, she had no idea her companion had nefarious plans for her.

I'm not a fan of Sarah’s mother. She’s tries to guilt Sarah into not having the visions because Sarah’s pain “hurts her mother and father.” Like Sarah wants to have this connection to the spirit world? Gee, Honey, have you tried NOT being psychic?

Sarah: 

Source

Her Mom: “Have you thought about how this affects ME?!”

Her Mom is also the one who encourages her to go to the pond with the aforementioned insistent individual. Maybe I was spoiled by having a mother who could easily read people but there is no way she would have let me go on such an excursion. Especially if I had a friend that worked as a life guard and access to the local pool like Sarah does.

I feel this is one of Ms. Nixon’s weaker works – the story is still interesting and I liked the social commentary, but normally the killer isn’t as easy to figure out and the protagonist is usually a lot smarter. It’s like she meets a boy she’s attracted to and her brain oozes out her damn ears. I did want to find out what happened to the spirit and I did care enough about Sarah to worry when she was in danger, but overall this was a slightly disappointing revisit to a favorite author from my childhood.

6/10

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** Credit to the Creators of all images and gifs used in this blog entry. I've sourced the ones I could but some have been sitting on my computer for a long time. If you see an image without a source and know/are the content creator, please comment below so I can credit accordingly. 

Twisted Summer (1996)

By: Willo Davis Roberts

Genre: Mid-Grade / Young Adult, Mystery, Thriller

Every summer Cici’s extended family gathers at her grandparents’ “cottage” (more like mansion) at Crystal Lake for a few weeks of fun and relaxation. Her immediate family has only ever missed one summer at the lake, and as CiCi learns when she arrives for her current visit, she missed a lot more than some fun in the sun. The previous summer a girl was murdered and her crush's older brother was convicted of the crime. After speaking with her crush and his mother, Cici is convinced the real killer is still out there and decides to investigate the murder on her own. As the clues start to add up, Cici is shocked to find a member of her own family may be the true guilty party.

I was disappointed by this book. I’ve been on a big nostalgia reading kick these past few months, digging out books from authors I adored in childhood and my teen years. As a kid I devoured Willo Davis Roberts’s books, even checking Babysitting is a Dangerous Job and The Absolutely True Story … How I Visited Yellowstone Park with the Terrible Rupes out from my local library numerous times. (They were the only two books by this author my library had.) Now I’m afraid to revisit them as I may not like what I find upon a reread. Or, it could simply be that Roberts is better at writing stories that involve robbery and kidnapping than murder mysteries. I’ll save that determination for another day.

I did like the basic premise of the story – Cici has grown up with both the murdered girl and the boy wrongly convicted of the crime; it’s obvious that would catch her interest. The reason why she chooses to investigate the murder, however, is not because she was close to the victim or the alleged killer, or even that she likes to solve mysteries and is intrigued by this case – it’s because she wants to prove “she’s a big kid now” to her crush and win his romantic affections.

Jack-y, Wow! I'm a Big Kid Now!

Not to say she really does much in the way of investigating. She makes a list of suspects (that she foolishly leaves out for anyone to find), asks a few questions of the neighboring regular vacationers / locals, and draws a circle on a map to determine towns the victim may have visited in the days leading up to her demise. She doesn’t take the opportunity to look over the crime scene, try to retrace the victim’s steps the night of the murder, or even question anyone’s alibis. It’s just dumb luck when some incriminating evidence falls (literally) into her lap. She’s foolish and puts herself in unnecessary danger, while also not really having any idea what she’s doing at all.

Cici doesn’t really have much of a personality outside of being a naïve, whiney brat and obsessing over her crush, Jack. While on her current stay at the lake, her grandmother has a stroke and subsequently passes away after a few days. Cici acts like this is more of an inconvenience to her summer plans than being upset she lost her grandmother. She whines about going to the hospital to see her, then whines about the Viewing of the Body and even about attending the funeral. She claims it’s because she doesn’t want to remember her grandmother as the feeble woman in a hospital bed or as a corpse – I get that fear and I understand that people grieve in different ways. This could have been explored through a conversation with a parent, aunt, older cousin or friend, but it isn’t and she comes off as a selfish brat. Having lost a grandmother at around the same age as Cici, I would have given anything to see her one last time and wouldn’t have ever thought of skipping the funeral, so her behavior is baffling to me. I even understand the lack of closeness she feels with this particular grandmother, as she seems to be one of many grandchildren. Being a member of a very large family with many cousins, I get that it’s hard to get one-on-one time with your grandparents, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less when they pass on. Suck it up, kiddo.

Cici honestly doesn’t really seem to care about anyone but herself and Jack. Her feelings for him border on obsession. She’s fourteen (though she insists on calling it ‘almost fifteen’) and desperate for any bit of attention seventeen-year-old Jack might give her. While an age gap of two and a half to three years wouldn’t typically bug me, it does here due to the vast difference in maturity between the ages of fourteen and seventeen. He’s got his license and a part time job. He's also thinking about college. She’s barely hit puberty and hasn’t even started high school yet. She’s not ready for the things that he likely is when it comes to romantic relationships. Thankfully, despite her best efforts, their relationship remains mostly platonic, aside from his random comment that she’s “no longer flat chested,” when they’re reunited for the summer. 

Cici whines regularly that he still treats her like a little kid, and yeah, that’s because you’re still acting like one.

CiCi to Jack, Wondering Why He Doesn't See How Mature She Is.

Jack himself is an okay character, but him commenting on her chest almost immediately upon seeing her soured me to him very early on. He also talks negatively about Zoe, the murdered girl, stating, “There were a couple times before that I felt like smacking Zoe’s face – or her butt – but the way we were brought up, a guy doesn’t hit a girl, even if she deserves it.” (pg. 118) Um, maybe your Mama should have taught you that violence is rarely the answer? We don’t hit people simply because they are annoying, Jack! Also, spanking? As this is supposed to be a book for preteens, I’m assuming we’re not delving into the sexual connotations, so is Jack thinking himself Zoe’s disciplinarian? She’s your peer, bro, that’s not your job.

Aside from the aforementioned gross, misogynistic comments, Jack does prove himself a valuable ally to Cici. In fact, I doubt she would have figured anything out without him, really, since he’s the one that gathers the truly damning evidence. He’s also fiercely protective of her, which comes in handy when she does something stupid.

Zoe, poor Zoe, not only was she murdered but her name has been dragged through the mud ever since her death (and I’m assuming it was before as well). While it sounds like Zoe wasn’t the best person, she didn’t deserve what happened to her, nor the way everyone talked about her in the aftermath. Only one person mentioned her actual crimes of petty theft (stealing people’s money, rifling through purses, “borrowing” a neighbor’s vehicle), the rest focus on what a flirt she was. Numerous people refer to Zoe as “throwing herself at anything in pants” and a tease, believing she “got herself killed” by leading Brody (the alleged killer) on only to reject his sexual advances. Cici disagrees with that, not on the grounds of defending Zoe, but because “he wouldn’t have had to force her” or “she wouldn’t have said no.” So, either she was killed for being a tease or she wouldn’t have been killed for that reason because she’s actually a slut? Either way, this theory disparages Zoe long after her death. I thought we weren’t supposed to speak ill of the dead? 

We don’t slut shame or victim blame in this house. Also, “sluts” can and do have the ability and autonomy to say no. She could have hooked up with every guy at the lake that summer and still rejected her killer because it’s her body and her right to say who can and can’t touch her.

The adults thought her promiscuous, lacking proper discipline (it wasn’t just Jack that mentioned wanting to spank her), inappropriately dressed, and headed down a bad path. The kids and young adults thought she was nothing more than a pest. Only two middle aged women, Lina and Ellen, seem to have some empathy for Zoe – acknowledging she might be acting out for attention, especially from males, as her father is never around. So, Daddy Issues – got it. 

Maybe Zoe would have benefitted from this interaction.

They believed she would use her body and her looks to catch male interest but was too naïve regarding what would be expected of her once she got it. However, this just circles back to the theory she was killed for being a tease and that’s her fault because “men don’t handle rejection well.”

Cici is no less naïve in her dismissal of the “killed for being a tease” theory. Aside from assuming Zoe would let just anyone have their way with her; Cici also finds it unlikely a guy would kill a girl for rejecting him. 

Ah, the pre-Elliot Roger days, where this was likely still happening but we didn’t hear about it as much because the internet hadn’t really taken hold yet. It happens all the time, so much so that there’s a famous quote regarding this:

“Men are afraid women will laugh at them.
Women are afraid men will kill them.”
~ Margaret Atwood

Oh to be a fourteen-year-old in the early to mid - 1990s, so blissfully sheltered from the horrors of the world. Zoe very well could have been killed for this reason, but that’s due to the killer’s rage and sense of entitlement, not her telling him no.

Another theory was that Zoe flirted with the wrong guy and his significant other felt threatened enough to kill the competition. No mention of how wrong it would be for some of these guys (ex: the grown-ass men) to return her advances – straight to “that hussy’s trying to steal my man!” If a sixteen-year-old girl is that much of a threat to your relationship, just leave him honey. Either he’s tempted to cheat / already a cheater or you have some serious trust issues and neither makes for a healthy relationship. Also, if he’s a grown man encouraging her antics, he needs to be kept away from the underage girls.

The mystery itself is interesting – the more the characters dragged the victim, the more I wanted justice for her. As this is a book for tweens, the mystery isn’t very complex, which is fine. I did figure out the twist three chapters from the end, again no big deal in a book made for a young age group. However, the ending itself was fairly anticlimactic, leading to an underwhelming resolution.

The writing could have used more editing. There are a few points where Cici’s cousin Ginny is referred to as Ginger instead, but the text never clarifies if Ginny is a nickname for Ginger or if this was a mistake that slipped into publication.

The line “she threw herself at everything in pants” is repeatedly used and it becomes redundant very quickly. As the saying is only supposed to refer to males it seems outdated and nonsensical in an era where all sexes wear pants and Zoe was only targeting one.

The dialogue is often rambling – sometimes for the sake of exposition and sometimes just going off on something unrelated to the conversation that is never referenced again. Many of the characters barely exist in the story and most are indistinguishable from the others when they speak. No one is particularly well developed and there are times where it is obvious a decision was made in order to move the story along, even if it doesn’t make sense for the character. For instance, when Cici has a chance to climb out a window and escape the killer while they’re distracted, she chooses not to in order to stay and listen to them monologue so she can get all the details. 

What good is that going to do you if you’re dead? Is your ghost going to testify against them in court?

Lastly, a silly thing that I happened to notice and find amusing because I’m a horror movie nerd: Early on in the story Cici states, “There couldn’t have been a murder at Crystal Lake.” 

Jason Voorhees begs to differ ...

Side note: I know Crystal Lake, Michigan is a real place, but I couldn't let that slide without a Friday the 13th reference. 

I’ve dragged this book pretty hard, but it wasn’t terrible – I just didn’t really like it either. I don’t think I even would have liked it at the age it was aimed towards and it definitely hasn’t aged well enough for kids in that age bracket to embrace it today. It was an okay mystery and did hold my interest but the whiney heroine, her obsession with a questionable dude, the minimal investigation, the lackluster climax and the slut shaming / victim blaming of Zoe brought it down for me.

5/10

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SCREAM #3: Wanted to Rent (1993)

 

By: Jessica Pierce (AKA: J. M. Morgan, Morgan Fields & Jill Morgan)

Genre: Young Adult, Horror, Thriller, Suspense

Things are tight for the Baker family. Having recently divorced, Laura is trying to make ends meet on her single income as a librarian. To bring in some extra funds she decides to rent out a room in the house to a handsome older seminary student named Ethan Palmer. Much to her sixteen-year-old daughter, Christy’s dismay, Ethan is given her room, forcing her to bunk with her ten-year-old sister, Charlotte. While the rent Ethan pays is helpful, there is something about him that unsettles Christy, making her feel unsafe in her own home. In order to protect her family, Christy decides to investigate Ethan and determine whether he is the creep she thinks he is.

The SCREAM series, like Point Horror, is a collection of young adult horror/thriller novels from the early 1990s that have no connection to one another. The novels are contributed by various young adult authors and each one can be read as a standalone story. As there is no reason to read them in any sort of order, I picked this one as the plot sounded the most interesting.

The story definitely feels heavily inspired by the 1987 film The Stepfather mixed with the “Unhinged House Guest/Roommate” trope popular in the late 1980s and early 1990s so it doesn’t exactly tread new ground. While it is fairly predictable, the characters are well rounded and the story still manages to retain tension and suspense.

We know from the book’s summary and the blurb at the beginning of the novel that Ethan definitely is dangerous, so it’s a matter of seeing how quickly the family he’s staying with realizes this and what happens to them once they do. Christy is the only one in the house that picks up on Ethan’s weird behavior but can’t get anyone with authority to listen to her suspicions. She has to go into Nancy Drew mode if she has any hope of finding peace again.

I really liked Christy. For an early ‘90s YA horror heroine she’s developed pretty well. She makes no effort to hide that she’s struggling with her parents’ divorce or her anger at having to give up her bedroom, both of which are used against her frequently when she raises her concerns about Ethan. However, she is fairly cognizant of her emotions for a sixteen-year-old girl, and often doubts her own instincts for the same reasons. Despite her doubts she pushes forward in her investigation of Ethan because she cannot ignore the nagging feeling that something is wrong and she feels the need to protect her family however she can. She even proves herself to be a bit of a badass in the end, so take that, Ethan!

Thankfully Christy isn’t entirely alone in her probe into the real Ethan Palmer. Her two best friends Keith and Lisa are by her side most of the way. Despite a small fight between Lisa and Christy about 75% into the story, both friendships are strong and these two supply Christy with the support she needs to take action. Lisa always makes time for Christy, even if she’s about to run out the door for a date or didn’t get to sleep until 2:30 AM, but Christy needs her at 6:00 AM. She does get frustrated that the Ethan debacle seems to be taking over Christy’s life and misses her friend, which is why they fight, but in the end they make up as best friends always do. Keith treads the line between supportive friend and possible love interest, but nothing really develops between him and Christy aside from some minor, shy flirting. While Lisa even begins to doubt Christy at one point, Keith never does, and that is something that works in Christy’s favor many times throughout the course of the novel. (Side note, I’m still tagging this as a healthy love interest as there is something there, just not acted upon within the context of the story. Also, we love a male friend side-character that is a genuine, good person without an overt romance plot.)

The character that caused me the most rage aside from Ethan himself (oh, we’ll get to him!) is Laura, Christy’s mother. This whole thing could have been avoided if she wasn’t so dense. I get that money was very tight, but what single woman invites a strange man into her home almost immediately with two young daughters in the house? There didn’t seem to even be twenty four hours between Laura talking to Ethan about the room and him moving in. Did she even check his references? Also, who the hell were his references since no one seems to know him? (I’m picturing Ethan with multiple phone hook ups ala Bobby Singer in Supernatural, answering each one pretending to be someone else.)

Just Replace the Government Agency Names with "References"

I know that Laura is also reeling from the divorce and having her husband run off with another woman and that she was super vulnerable, making it incredibly easy for a smooth talking sociopath to slither into her good graces. However, if your teenage daughter is telling you that the boarder creeps her out and has come into her room at night, maybe listen to her concerns, and not, I don’t know, start dating the dude? Yes he’s attractive and makes you feel wanted or “flattered” as you call it, but your daughter is visibly terrified of the man.

“I think you’d like something to be weird about him. You’re looking for trouble where there isn’t any.” (p. 33)

“It’s not that I doubt you’re telling me the truth, at least what you think is the truth … Only it was very late. You were sleepy … You were asleep. The fire engines woke you. Maybe, if you were dreaming then, you were dreaming earlier.” (p. 59)

“… He’s been very understanding about the way you’ve been acting since he’s been with us. You’ve made it pretty miserable for him, Christy.”
“Mom, he scares me!”
“I’m sorry about that, I really am. I wish things could be the way they used to be when your father and I were together, but I can’t make that happen. I know our divorce has been hard on you. Things have changed in your life. I wish I could make them better. Christy, you love your father, I understand. But, you have to understand something. Our financial situation isn’t the same as it used to be. We need the money we get from renting the room. Without it we can’t afford to live here.” (p. 68)

You can’t rent the room to anyone else?

“He’d like to be friends with you too. I know you love your dad. No one’s trying to change that. It’s just … Ethan wants to be someone special in our family. He’s told me how important we’ve become to him. I’d like it if you could give him a chance. Try a little harder to be his friend, Christy.”
“I don’t need him as a friend.”
“Then, do it for me. Maybe I need him. Maybe I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. Your dad has his girlfriend. Be fair. Maybe I need someone for me.” (p. 89)

Ugh, the guilt trip and the gaslighting. No one said you couldn’t date, Laura! Just maybe don’t date the guy that scares your teenage daughter? I don’t know, just a thought.

I don’t want to victim blame. Laura was in a very emotionally vulnerable state and Ethan is a charming man that preyed upon her. He also rapidly becomes emotionally abusive to her. For that, I am empathetic. However, her teenage daughter has told her multiple times that she’s scared of the man and cited numerous examples, from the way he looks at her to him coming into her room at night to him getting physical with her, and he even admits to doing some of these things. He just finds a way to twist them so Laura sees the events the way he wants her to and she falls for it every time! 

He Literally Corners Christy Like This in Her Room.
But That's Totally Normal, Right Laura?

I’m sorry, nothing you say is going to make me okay with you in my child’s room and especially not if you lay hands on her. If this were my Mom, the guy would be lucky to only be kicked out of the house and not end up six feet under. (Of course, my Mom would never let a strange man into the house in the first place, no matter how hard up for money we were or how attractive and charming he was, but I digress.)

This brings us to the man himself, Ethan Palmer. I hate him so much. He’s undeniably the villain. As aforementioned, the book makes no attempt to hide what he is. He does, for the sake of Laura and Charlotte, but completely drops the mask around Christy most of the time. He blatantly stares at her, calls her ‘special,’ seems aware of her every move in the house, yells at and manhandles her when he gets her alone, listens in on her phone calls, etc. It’s obvious he gets a sadistic pleasure out of playing with Christy’s head and turning her family against her. He’s cocky, thinking that because he has Laura wrapped around his finger there’s nothing Christy can do to stop him. Oh, but sir, you’re in a Young Adult horror novel and Christy is the heroine. You should know better than to underestimate her.

Christy's About to Channel Her Inner Buffy Summers

The plot itself, though predictable, flowed well and kept me reading to find out what happened next. I often had an idea what Ethan would do, but Christy’s movements occasionally surprised me. She was smart and she was aided by good friends who would help her brainstorm what to do. She makes other people aware of her current situation – her mother might not take her seriously, but other people suspect she might be onto something. Her investigation into Ethan was more interesting than his increasingly erratic behavior, but seeing how the two combined and played out was entertaining.

It was easy to get emotionally invested in this one as I cared about Christy and I was so frustrated for her. Having the advantage the book’s synopsis and blurb provided, I knew Christy was onto something and wanted her to succeed in protecting her family from Ethan. It’s a product of its time for sure, and a bit derivative of popular horror and thriller films of the era, but I still enjoyed this quick little read.

7/10

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Someone at the Door (1994)

By: Richie Tankersley Cusick

Genre: Young Adult Horror/Thriller

Hannah Stuart is having a rough day. She finally got up the nerve to break up with her abusive boyfriend of six months and she just wants to get home and be done with the day. Unfortunately there is a blizzard rolling in and Hannah’s parents are out of town, leaving her in charge of her younger sister Meg. As the storm hits and the night wears on, Hannah’s stress levels are on the rise. Between threatening phone calls from her ex, anxiety about keeping warm should they lose power, and a news report about an escaped killer on the loose, Hannah fears it’s going to be difficult to get through. On top of this, at 2:00 AM, two injured young men appear at their door, begging for help. The girls reluctantly let them in, but as the storm stretches over the next few days, strange things begin to happen – food disappearing along with the axe from the woodpile, creepy pranks of a violent nature, and who the hell built that giant snowman in the front yard? Is it Hannah’s enraged ex boyfriend looking to terrorize her? Is it the escaped killer? Or is one or both of the injured young men the girls have allowed in their home not what they seem?

I originally read this novel approximately nineteen years ago and oddly felt the urge to reread it recently. 

It’s me, hi, I’m the old fart, it’s me

It must be the winter setting that set this off, but encouragement from fellow Goodreads user and author, Nenia Campbell, pushed me to pick it up again. It’s fitting that I wound up finishing this reread of a novel about two girls isolated in a blizzard while in the middle of one myself. I remembered enjoying this story as a fourteen-year-old and hoped it held up, despite forgetting most details. For the most part, it did.

One thing I didn’t remember was what a cranky jerk Hannah is. On the one hand, I understand, I get snippy and easily irritated when I’m anxious too, and she is under a lot of stress. I get it, and I get that she’s only seventeen so her emotions aren’t going to be regulated as well as a fully developed adult’s. However, she’s quick to verbally hit Meg where it hurts and physically attempt to hit Jonathon and Lance when they say things that upset her. (Ninety-five percent of the time this leads to the guy pinning her down … maybe she just has a kink for being manhandled by attractive men. Understandable, but girl, use your words!) 

Then there’s the fact that, for about eighty percent of the novel she refuses to believe her ex could be behind any of the strange goings-on. (Babe, he literally threatened to kill you and could have been the only one to leave that disgusting ‘gift’ in your car.) When she finds his abandoned car and gets upset that he might be injured and/or lost in the snow, I was like, “Oh, honey…” When she gets pissed that the others care more about finding the dog than making sure her piece of shit ex isn’t in danger, I wanted to smack her upside the head myself. If I had to choose between helping the family dog that loves everyone and the ex that threatened to murder me, that bastard can freeze to death, I’m choosing the innocent dog. If my ex is out there we'll find his body in the spring. 

The abusive ex as I cuddle up with the dog inside. 

Meg is all bleeding heart and naiveté. I do get why Hannah gets annoyed with her, the girl is a bit dramatic and trusts too easily. (Someone seriously needs to educate this girl on the fact that a man being attractive doesn’t prevent him from being a murderer before she becomes a victim of the next Ted Bundy.) She’s quick to be moved to tears or fright. However, she is also driven to help people, whether it’s letting Hannah sleep and making her dinner after a rough day, counseling her on how her ex was a worthless piece of shit anyway, breaking the house rules and letting the family dog in the house (I seriously despise people who make their dogs live outside), or aiding in taking care of the injured men they’ve taken in. She’s immature in some aspects, but she’s a good kid.

This brings us to the injured parties in question, Jonathon and Lance. They are a little off-putting right from the start, ready to break the door down if the girls didn’t provide them shelter. Their relationship with the girls varies throughout the story, with Meg innocently trusting them for the most part and Hannah being cautiously suspicious.

Jonathon is the more personable of the two – kind, good-humored despite his severe leg injury, gentle yet stubborn, almost to the point of self-sacrificing martyrdom. His fair hair and big blue eyes seem to lure Hannah in, and the two do seem to have great chemistry, even kissing a few times. They could possibly have a healthy relationship, if he doesn’t turn out to be a murderer, and she gets her anger under control and stops trying to hit people. (Although maybe that’s foreplay for them … their first kiss does happen after she takes a swing at him and he’s pinning her arms between their bodies.)

He does appear to be the more trustworthy of the duo, but doesn’t come off as entirely innocent either. He’s very shifty when it comes to personal details and does say creepy things on occasion, often reminding Hannah of just how isolated she and Meg are.

“ ' – your parents.’ Jonathon’s voice sounded softly in her ear, and Hannah whirled with a gasp.
“’What did you say?’
“She hadn’t heard him leave the corner, hadn’t even heard him cross the hall. Now his blue eyes gazed into hers, and as he leaned forward, one sleeve lightly touched her arm.
“ 'Your parents,’ he spoke again. ‘Don’t you think you should wake them up?’
“It comes to her then, in a slow, chilling realization, that he knew her parents weren’t here – that he knew she and Meg were completely alone – that somehow, somehow he knew – " (p. 34)

“ 'As soon as the snow lets up. The road crews will be out here early, you know … to make sure we’re all right.’ …
“ 'As isolated as you are?’ he murmured. ‘I don’t think so.’” (p. 37)

“You girls are stranded out here … It just wouldn’t be right to leave you two alone.” (p. 65)

“ '[My boyfriend] is coming over today,’ Hannah repeated emphatically. ‘And bringing some of his friends. They’re all football players, and my boyfriend’s extremely jealous.’ …
“ 'Like the road crews? Look, Hannah, your boyfriend won’t be coming today. You know it, and I know it. So why keep playing games?’" (p. 80)

This scene was playing in my head while reading the last exchange.

Lance is much more suspicious from the start. When the guys first arrive at the house, Hannah doesn’t have much interaction with him due to his head injury. It’s later that evening when he wakes up that they have their first encounter, where he puts her in a stranglehold from behind. Solid start to whatever relationship will occur between you two, bro. Everything about him is darker than Jonathon, from his shoulder-length hair, to his broody and intimidating demeanor, to the willingness to get physical and the weird things he says.

He takes a particular interest in the story of the escaped killer as Meg relays what she saw on the news and he’s the one that decides he and Jonathon need to stay and protect them. The fact that he does seem to take this role seriously works in his favor, especially when it comes to Meg. With Hannah, he gets sick of her shit pretty quickly, and honestly, between her attitude, the amount of times she runs off into the storm, and the amount of times she tries to hit him, I don’t entirely blame him. I don’t entirely blame her either though, because I feel like he enjoys being a bit of a jerk to her.

“She ran for the hall, jumping back with a scream as she collided with Lance in the doorway.
“ 'Looking for your sister?’ he asked, and Hannah froze, her heart leaping into her throat.
“ 'Where is she?’ Hannah demanded. ‘Where’s Meg?’ She tried to step around him, but he moved sideways at the same time. To her fury, she found herself trapped between Lance and the wall.
“Hannah looked up at him, fighting back panic …
“ 'If you don’t let me go,’ Hannah threatened, ‘I’ll –'
“ 'No one’s holding you,’ Lance said. He lifted his arms at his sides, and Hannah suddenly realized that he’d backed away. Flushing angrily, she shoved past him and ran up to her room.” (p. 74-75)

“… she tried again, hating herself for being flustered, hating him even more for knowing it. ‘Get off of me,’ she said sharply.
“Lance seemed to consider this a moment, looking down at her with a relentless stare. Hannah felt her breath quickening – her heart racing. Once more she tried to move, once more she stopped, all too aware of his body on hers. Then she saw one corner of his mouth curl in a sardonic smile.
“'You know …” Lance murmured, 'if I wasn’t so sure what an in-control person you are … I’d swear you were blushing.’
“ 'Let me go!’ Hannah screamed, and tried to swing at him.
“Without warning, he pinned her hands to the ground. He was so incredibly strong that Hannah felt a surge of panic go through her …” (p. 130-131)

One thing both men have in common is the offense they take to the girls, particularly Hannah, suspecting one of them might be the escaped killer. Um, guys, they are two teenage girls, stranded in the middle of nowhere during a seemingly endless blizzard, who have heard news reports about an escaped murderer headed their way and they have no idea who either of you are.

“’Look, I understand why you’re so nervous about us being here, but what do I have to do to convince you we’re not going to tie you up, rob your house, and have our way with you?’
“Hannah flushed deeply. ‘That’s not funny.’
“’No,’” Jonathon said solemnly. ‘It’s not funny. So I wish you’d stop making me feel like a criminal.’” (p. 80)

Jonathon, how very Billy Loomis of you. 

"What do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not a killer?"

Also, I don’t think you can speak for Lance. The man has threatened to tie you up because you insist on putting weight on your injured leg. With the amount of times Hannah has wandered off into the blizzard or gotten violent with one of you, I’m sure the thought of tying her up crossed his mind at least once.

While Jonathon acts like a kicked puppy about these suspicions, Lance just gets angry and snide. 

I guess his approach is the Mother Gothel method.

“Gasping, she felt Lance crush her down into the snow, and his eyes flashed above her with a strange, dark light.
“ 'Oh, I forgot,’ he said quietly. ‘You don’t like being this close to escaped killers, do you?’
“Hannah gasped in terror. She could see the tense lines of his cheeks, the endless dark of his eyes. As she gazed up helplessly, she could feel her lips moving, trying to get out the words.
“ 'I don’t know what you mean,’ she whispered. ‘I – I don’t know what you’re talking about –'
“ 'Oh … I think you do.’
“ 'It’s – it’s just that I was on the roof – and I was so – so scared –'
“ 'You don’t know what scared is.’
“Without warning, he rolled off.
“ 'Oh. And by the way … I tried to start your car but nothing worked. Guess you really are stranded now.’” (p. 131)

“ 'You were watching me!’
“ 'Watching you?’ Lance said slowly, as if considering the possibility. ‘If that was on my mind, a locked door wouldn’t do you much good.’ (p. 172)

That’s really comforting, Lance. You say and do things like those quoted above and then have the audacity to get angry when Hannah finds you a little suspicious. And Jonathon, Mr. ‘I understand why you’re nervous,’ 

no, I really don’t think you do. Hannah described it pretty well.

“But no matter who those guys are, we still have to be careful. Whoever they are, Meg and I are still alone with them – and if we act too suspicious and scared, that could be dangerous … and if we act too nice and trusting, that could be dangerous, too.” (p. 70)

This is one thing women and femme presenting individuals talk about a lot – curtailing their behavior to best protect themselves. This is often what has saved potential victims of serial killers – learning to adapt to appease this person so you can escape. The same is often done by victims of domestic violence, sexual assault and harassment. You do what you have to do to avoid being harmed as much as possible. Not knowing anything about these men, and considering Lance got violent with her almost immediately, it’s more than understandable that Hannah would be thinking like this.

Despite having read this book before, I couldn’t remember most of it. However, that’s not very telling, as aforementioned, the first time I read this was about nineteen years ago. I didn’t remember all the weird things that our four central characters encountered or who the person behind all of these scary occurrences turned out to be. I had the pleasure of being in suspense all over again, and in that aspect, the story delivers. I didn’t remember what happened next and couldn’t wait to find out – binge reading over 100 pages in one night. Despite being more annoyed by Hannah and still unsure about both Jonathon and Lance, I did care enough about the central characters to want them to survive and hoped that neither of the boys was the one terrorizing the sisters.

Did it hold up? I think I’ll shave down my original rating slightly. It is a fun, quick and enjoyable read that wasn’t too predictable, even the second time around. It’s decent entertainment for a snowy afternoon, being both short enough and suspenseful enough to be read in one sitting. I’m glad I revisited it, and will probably do so again.

6.5/10

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I’m Glad My Mom Died (2022)

 By: Jennette McCurdy

Genre: Memior / Autobiography / Non-Fiction

If you grew up watching Nickelodeon in the mid-2000s or had a sibling or child that did, you will most likely recognize Jennette McCurdy as Samantha Puckett from iCarly and Sam & Cat. A moderately successful child actress, Jennette and her character, Sam, have been beloved by young millenials and elder gen Z for the past fifteen years. What no one knew was behind the scenes and her plucky façade Jennette was struggling with many issues and often suffering in silence. Her memoir describes her experiences with childhood fame as well as abuse and exploitation at the hands of show runners and her own mother - how damaging it can be and how she began to take her life back.

The tongue-in-cheek title of this memoir may be off-putting to some, but eight pages into the book and I was glad her Mom died too. Some may wrongfully assume this is the memoir of a spoiled child star ungrateful for the opportunities and success she’s had, many due to her mother’s diligent work in getting her to them. This is not that. This is the story of a young woman forced into a career she didn’t want by a narcissistic (Jennette’s words, I’m not armchair diagnosing) mother wanting to live out her dreams of stardom through her daughter. This is the story of someone who experienced emotional, physical, and, arguably, sexual abuse at the hands of the one person she should have been able to trust most in the world; a girl that would do whatever she could to please the mother she idolized, often to her own detriment.

From a very young age Jennette was told she wasn’t good enough. She was ridiculed for the way she acted while her mother struggled with her first bout of Stage 4 breast cancer. Jennette was two years old at that time, and would be reminded weekly of how awful she was at that time for many years into her childhood. Her appearance was always a point of criticism:

“Each ‘good’ thing Mom says about my ‘natural beauty’ is followed up by its downside which serves as the justification for its need to be enhanced by a little good old-fashioned store-bought beauty. And since it seems like every single ‘naturally beautiful’ thing about me comes with a downside that needs to be enhanced by store-bought beauty, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m really naturally beautiful at all, or if Mom’s use of the term ‘naturally beautiful’ goes in the same place where others would just use the term ‘ugly.’” (p. 59)

It wasn’t just her beauty that her mother fixated on, but her weight too. At age eleven her mother introduced her to calorie restriction and starving themselves became a joint activity, Jennette quickly becoming anorexic. This would be the beginning of her battle with disordered eating, going from years of anorexia to a year or so of binge eating and settling on bulimia before finally seeking treatment in her mid-to-late twenties.

I do want to highlight that there is A LOT of description of these eating disorders, detailing many tricks she used to restrict calories while deep into anorexia and the bingeing and purging of bulimia. If you struggle with an eating disorder many passages of this book may be triggering for you. Jennette describes the gory details of these disorders, the physical impact they left on her body (a particular body-horror scene while she’s on a plane to Australia for instance) as well as her mind. Thankfully her tricks and tools for recovery are also discussed in the later chapters which some may find beneficial.

Jennette was raised as a sheltered Mormon, homeschooled by her mother, leaving her little contact with those outside her family and her church. Her mother was her everything and she would do anything to please her. As aforementioned, she got into acting because her mother wanted her to and continued to act to please her mother, even if it was taking a toll on her own wellbeing. This is what begins to create conflict in her mind with how she sees and feels about her relationship with her mother.

“Fame has put a wedge between Mom and me that I didn’t think was possible. She wanted this. And I wanted her to have it. I wanted her to be happy. But now that I have it, I realize that she’s happy and I’m not. Her happiness came at the cost of mine. I feel robbed and exploited.” (p. 121)

“’Smile for the paparazzi,’ Mom orders me.
“Without even spotting them, a vacant puppetlike smile crosses my face automatically. My eyes are dead, my soul is nowhere to be found, but a smile is on my face and that’s all that counts.” (p. 125)

When Jennette would tell her mother that she didn’t want to act anymore her mother would start to cry or berate her until she agreed not to quit. When Jennette showed interest in writing, even sitting down as a pre-teen and drafting a 110 page screenplay, her mother shot her down instantly without even reading the product of her daughter’s hard work. She refused to condone anything that might take Jennette’s focus away from acting, never caring what Jennette truly wanted.

“I absolutely prefer writing to acting. Through writing, I feel power for the first time in my life. I don’t have to say somebody else’s words. I can write my own. I can be myself for once. I like the privacy of it. Nobody’s watching. Nobody’s judging. Nobody’s weighing in. No casting directors or agents or managers or Mom. Just me and the page. Writing is the opposite of performing to me. Performing feels inherently fake. Writing feels inherently real.” (p. 86)

From the narrative, it appears Jennette’s iCarly costar, Miranda Cosgrove, may have been one of her first real friends – and much of that friendship was initially conducted online via AOL Instant Messenger (y’all remember that fossil?) away from the prying eyes of Jennette’s mom. The more Jennette tried to pull away and have a little space for herself, her friendships and/or relationships, the more abusive and suffocating her mother became, calling her names, throwing things at her, threatening to disown her, even posting nasty things about her on her fan page. The amount of awful things this woman did is heartbreaking and rage inducing.

Keeping Jennette so sheltered also left her at a disadvantage in the dating world. She was never even taught about her own period, never mind given any sort of “sex talk.” When Jennette was away from her mother, the creepy dudes would come to prey. Between inappropriate age gaps, coerced oral, and a first time where consent is so dubious it borders on sexual assault, the majority of her experiences with men are awful. The only decent guy she dates is Steven, who does manage to show her how a real relationship should work.

The memoir does not get heavy into detail about the abuses inflicted upon the young actors on Nickelodeon shows, despite some media fanfare on the topic. The verbal abuse, manipulation, pitting of young actors against each other, and the provision of alcohol to minors conducted by The Creator is mentioned. When the stories of mistreatment leaked, Sam & Cat was cancelled and Jennette was offered $300,000 in hush money which she refused.

While the exploitation and abuse from the studio and those in charge of the shows she was on are definitely factors in her story, this memoir is more about the conflicted relationship between a narcissistic mother and a daughter that will sacrifice herself to make her mother happy. Half of the book is prior to her mother’s passing, the other half dedicated to the process of living life without her.

Following her mother’s death, Jennette’s eating disorder worsens and she turns to alcohol to numb her pain and mixed feelings. No longer having her mother in her life is both freeing and anxiety-inducing. She has to get to know herself for the first time and that can be a challenge when you’ve spent your entire life living for someone else.

“I tried desperately to understand and know my mother – what made her sad, what made her happy, and on and on and on – at the expense of ever really knowing myself. Without Mom around, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know who I am.” (p. 223)

Jennette doesn’t shy away from discussing her low points nor her struggles with recovery and finding herself. It’s easy to empathize as she describes her thoughts and feelings. There is no magical cure-all – recovery is a lot of work that is never ending, regardless if it’s from trauma, eating disorders, mental health conditions, addiction, or all of the above. It’s something that will get easier with time and effort, but will never truly be done. She also makes it clear that it will never happen until you make that choice for yourself, because no one else can do that work for you.

“So much of my life has felt so out of my control for so long. And I’m done with that being my reality.
“I want my life to be in my hands. Not an eating disorder’s or a casting director’s or an agent’s or my mom’s. Mine.” (p. 293)

While the subject matter is heavy, the writing itself is very easy to read. Jennette’s voice seems to grow as she does throughout the chronology – from a naïve child eager to please to a grown woman taking her life back. Her writing comes off as the age she was when whatever event she’s describing was happening – like we’re getting her literal thoughts from that moment in time. She does interweave some humor with the harsh reality that is the life she reveals to us. However, this humor is more sarcastic barbs and dry witticisms rather than the laugh-out-loud hilarity the book has been marketed to have.

Both heartbreaking and enlightening, this memoir provides insight into the life of a reluctant child star. A survivor of narcissistic abuse that still battles with conflicting emotions surrounding her feelings on her mother, Jennette details how she will always love her mother and does miss her, but recognizes how toxic that relationship truly was. This is truly an amazing work that had me just wanting to hug her due to everything she’s been through. Highly recommended if you can handle the heavy subject matter.

8.5/10

Me to Jennette Throughout This Book

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Girl, Unframed (2020)

 

By: Deb Caletti

Genre: Young Adult, Drama, Suspense

As fifteen-year-old Sydney Riley prepares to spend the summer with her starlet mother, Lila, in San Francisco, she has an uneasy feeling about what the months ahead will hold. Chalking it up to nerves due to the strained mother/daughter relationship as well as the anticipation of meeting Lila’s new boyfriend, Sydney makes the trip anyway. What lies before her in the coming months will be life-changing, making Sydney realize just how important listening to one’s instincts can be.

This novel was a bit rough for me and I had to take several breaks while reading it due to how triggering it was in some areas. It is basically the novelized version of this meme:

I was thirteen; sixteen the first time it got really scary. See the Everyday Sexism Project for real life examples.

From the outset Sydney is objectified by several men including Jake (Lila’s boyfriend), a young actor in his twenties named Jay, and Shane, a man of about thirty working construction on the house next door. There are also several instances where she has uncomfortable interactions with strange men in public, such as a flasher, a douche bag at a gas station and a creep in the park. The book, while documenting the events of Sydney’s summer overall, is a commentary on the sexual objectification of young girls and women. It is not comfortable, but it is very necessary and done considerably well.

Sydney navigates through these experiences as she goes about her summer, the events she encounters causing a dramatic coming-of-age by the final chapter. She juggles the toxic relationship with her mother, turning sixteen, first love, coming to terms with society’s bullshit standards of purity versus sexuality, and witnessing a violent death all in the span of a couple months. The fact that she is handling life as well as she is in the last couple chapters is incredible, to be honest. This is an eye-opening trip for her that leaves her much wiser at the expense of her girlhood and innocence.

“Give me back my girlhood

It was mine first”

- “Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve” by Taylor Swift

I really liked the characterization in this novel even if some of the characters are complete garbage. I loved Sydney and found her very relatable. I remember being the age she is during this narrative and learning the same hard lessons she does – older men can be really gross, the magazines geared toward young women do more to tear us down than build us up, and other media we consume has not-so-great messages regarding those assigned female at birth. The reader follows her as she matures, not just in age, but in wisdom as she learns these lessons and finds the strength to deal with the events that unfold over the course of the summer. Sydney is a smart girl and handles things surprisingly well considering everything that happens throughout the story.

One lesson I’m thankful she doesn’t have to learn is how awful first love can turn out to be. She meets Nicco, a cute, intelligent and sweet seventeen-year-old boy, and they hit it off fairly quickly. Nicco is probably the healthiest young adult love interest I’ve read about in recent memory – hell, maybe the healthiest love interest in general that I’ve read recently. He is responsible and treats Sydney with respect, never pushing her for more than she is ready for and even cautioning her that they should take it slow because ‘sex changes everything.’ He truly adores her and they have a cute game they use to communicate unique to only them. At seventeen he is the only male figure in her life that treats her well, which is sad, but also maybe a commentary on how the younger generations of teenage boys and men are trying to be better than those before them. I love them as a couple and was rooting for them to last throughout the novel.

Sydney’s mother, Lila Shore, is a Hollywood actress and fairly narcissistic. She puts everything before her daughter, especially her career, status and any man she is presently involved with, while simultaneously accusing Syd of being selfish and difficult. The fact that Lila has shipped Syd off to a boarding school in Seattle where her only guardian is her grandmother, Edwina (consequently, the only family member who seems to actually care about Syd’s well-being), and only sees her on the holidays shows how little she cares for her daughter. If that isn’t enough, their frequently strained interactions throughout the summer and her actions in the final weeks of Sydney’s visit prove it. Caletti does a great job of portraying the complicated nature of this kind of toxic relationship between a parent and child – depicting Syd’s conflicting feelings toward her mother, the love, the anger, the pity, the urge to protect and the yearning for a normal relationship between them. Sydney’s navigation through this relationship and ultimate decision regarding it at the end of the story is relatable, understandable and heart breaking. Sydney is the daughter of a narcissistic diva and a womanizing absentee piece of crap. She deserved better than either of her parents could/would ever give her.

The last major character to examine is Jake, Lila’s current beaux and an abusive, lecherous dumpster of a person. 

Jake poses as a real estate mogul and art collector, but it is pretty clear early on that he is into shady dealings. From the minute he meets Sydney he’s touching her and making her uncomfortable. He pressures her for a hug when she’s never met him before, grabs her knee while they’re driving in his car, and makes comments like, “you look a lot older,” while appraising her in a way that makes her feel he’s staring at her breasts. (As someone who has had a large bust since age twelve and has heard this comment and experienced this look many times, he was DEFINITELY looking at her chest.)

Jake’s behavior toward Sydney only gets progressively creepier as the story moves forward. He alternates between trying to be the “cool adult” to gain her affections (taking her out driving at high speed in his Lamborghini, pretending to respect her opinion on art, siding with her in arguments with her mother) verging on grooming behavior, to trying to control her sexuality (getting upset about her dating Nicco, getting furious over her getting a hickey, calling her a slut and roughly manhandling her after catching her being intimate with Nicco). He claims he is looking out for her but he’s obviously got ulterior motives and it’s disgusting.

“Jake and me and sex – he didn’t care about me taking a big step, or getting STDs, or using contraception. He was guarding my virtue, like my body and spirit would spoil if I were touched. Like my body was his. To leer at and to control.” (pg. 309)

This man rants about how Sydney needs to respect herself and acts like Nicco is a danger to her yet disregards her actual safety around those far more dangerous. He tells her “you can’t let that stuff get to you” regarding Sydney being flashed by some pervert on the street, to which she rightfully thinks, “He didn’t have to let that stuff get to him, because it would never happen to him.” (pg. 208) Jake also takes Sydney along on one of his shady deals and leaves her alone in a vehicle with one of his creepy associates that has been clearly leering at her. This is immediately after he went off about the hickey Nicco gave her. 

“’Jesus,’ His voice was full of disgust. ‘Is that a fucking monkey bite? Have you and that kid been fooling around?’” (No… a ‘monkey bite’ is whatever that weird knee grab was you did to her in the car when you first met. That mark on her neck is a hickey, also known as a love bite, and is a perfectly normal thing. Stop being weird about it, you sound jealous of a teenage boy.)

Heaven forbid a teenage girl makes out with her teenage boyfriend! The horror!

I hate this character, but he’s well written and exemplifies the insidious attitudes patriarchal society has toward young women. The interactions between Jake and Sydney depict how confusing, twisted and dangerous these attitudes truly are. They make men feel like they are entitled to women and make women feel either like a silenced object to be looked at and preyed upon or like they have to conform in order to protect themselves and be accepted. The effect they have on women is heavily felt by Sydney:

“… I felt pissed. The world hadn’t changed and this made me so angry. It was the same as it had been for hundreds and hundreds of years, and this filled me with fury. I was angry at the paintings of women who were only bodies, who had faces with blank eyes and no mouths. I was angry at R. W. Wright, and his sexy, punished girls, and men who leered, and boys who grabbed, and the gaze, the gaze, the gaze. I was furious at the dick flashers and violent men, the frauds, the thieves. I was pissed at how beauty was some highly prized commodity – sold and sought and viciously envied, made to feel shameful. Pissed at the guardians of your virginity who were as much creepers and controllers as creepers and controllers.

“And I was furious at the mothers who encouraged you to be sexy but not have sex, and ladies’ man fathers, who flirted with waitresses and treated you like another unseen girl, because who were you supposed to be, then? The you in the middle of all of this. The hopeful you, the wanting you, the you with dreams, the unsteady you, the you that wants to feel everything but isn’t allowed to, who doesn’t know what to make of this mess, and how could you?

“… I made a decision, because our eyes do see, our mouths do speak, and we are not objects. I am not.

“The women of my family, going back generations – we’d been told lies about ourselves that we believed, and we’d even gone on to tell each other those same lies. I could maybe put an end to that particular plotline.” (pg. 353)

“This would be an ending where I listened to myself and used my voice, no matter what the world said back.” (pg. 349)

I found this book powerful and enthralling, if a bit triggering at times. The heroine is relatable and sympathetic. She becomes stronger despite all she has to deal with and learns how to stand up for herself despite her fears. Her romantic relationship is healthy and adorable. The plot even takes a few turns I wasn’t quite expecting. The social commentary regarding lecherous attitudes towards girls and young women is heavily woven throughout and will make many uncomfortable, but it is a discussion we need to be having.

8/10

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